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A Typical JobFairy.com Resume

  Your Loser Name Goes Here
321 Insipid Drive
Tastycake Meadows, CE 01234
technologyscaresme@tedkaczynski.net (e-mail)

        

EXPERTISE

Hands-off, loner positions where I can surf the 'Net endlessly without having to deal with unwanted intrusions, like annoying customers, nosy bosses, and other humans. Boy howdy, I sure hope you don't want any of that people skills crap. Ideal situations would be composed of unlimited and unsupervised access to firearms and explosives, with opportunities for me to get in touch with my nurturing side.

SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS
  • Defying Authority
  • Dress For Success
  • Drinking Beer
  • Drinking Beer In Foreign Countries
  • Drinking Beer While Drunk Off My A**
  • Falling Off A Stool Drinking Beer
  • Firearms Training
  • Focussed Hostility
  • General All-Purpose Defiance
  • Ignoring Customers
  • Ignoring Phones
  • Ignoring Workload
  • Inability To Follow Directions
  • Killing Unwanted Supervisors (All)
  • Practical Jokes On Co-Workers
  • Purposeless Defiance
  • Stubbornness
  • Sullenness and Surly Demeanor
  • Surfing The 'Net
  • Team Player
  • Unfocussed Hostility
EXPERIENCE
A Telecom Company So Large It's Obscene

Lead Peon

2002 - Present

  • Fix stuff I shouldn't have messed with in the first place
  • Get irked on a frequent basis
  • Goof off with 95% success rate
  • Indulge my burgeoning interest in pornographic sites
  • Look important
  • Mess around with things that aren't broken
  • Screw around with co-workers (only attractive ones)
  • Take really long lunches
  • Tell off anyone that irks me
  • Wander halls aimlessly
A Telecom Company with an Attitude Problem

Peon

2001 - 2001

  • Bring up co-workers' browser caches to find "good" sites
  • Dig through supervisor's desk for incriminating evidence
  • Fantasize about how colleagues would look naked during boring staff meetings
  • Fart around
  • Make rude bodily noises in such a manner that they can be passed off as others'
  • P*** off lower management
  • P*** off middle management
  • P*** off upper management
  • Pretend to work while boss is looking
  • Send out resumes
The Telecom Company with Bigcompanyitis

Assistant Peon

2000 - 2001

  • Constant rudeness
  • Disheveled appearance
  • Exceptional performance as a pain in someone's prostate
  • Ignoring project plans, task lists, and customer commitments
  • Long bathroom breaks in lieu of actual work
  • More goofing off
  • Perpetual tardiness
  • Sending obscene e-mail from colleague's PC when they're in meetings and forget to lock their screensaver
  • Spontaneous performance art in hallways when supposed to be working
  • Whining about trivial matters
Telecom Company with the Morals of a Snake

Peon Trainee

2000 - 2000

  • Eating doughnuts while surfing the Internet
  • Giggling at nothing
  • Making people uneasy
  • More farting around
  • Not really doing jack s***
  • Snickering at co-workers when they hose something up
  • Spreading nasty rumors, such as takeovers, who's the office slut, or venereal disease problems among the employees
  • Taking up space
  • Useless activity
  • Waste of nutrients and oxygen
EDUCATION & AFFILIATIONS
University of Rocky Flats Major in Nuclear Contamination, with a Minor in Avoiding EPA Regulations
Altered State Underwater Basketweaving Studies
National Merit Honor Society Letter of Condemnation
NRA Life Member
PETA (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals) Member
PROFESSIONAL SKILLS
  • Back Door
  • Children of the Korn Shell
  • Cook the Books Accounting
  • Crap!
  • D--
  • HPukes Unix
  • IBM Mainframe Paperweights
  • ISDN (It Still Does Nothing)
  • Lotus Disorganizer
  • Meeting Faker
  • MicroShaft Winblows 95/98
  • MS Bulls***er
  • MS Doesn't Work
  • MS Insecure Server
  • MS Internet Exploder
  • MS Orifice 97
  • MS Stupid Meddling Software (SMS)
  • Netscrape
  • PeopleSloth
  • Sea Shell
  • WordImperfect

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