A Typical JobFairy.com Resume
Your Loser Name Goes Here
321 Insipid Drive
Tastycake Meadows, CE 01234
technologyscaresme@tedkaczynski.net
(e-mail)
EXPERTISE
Hands-off, loner positions where I can surf the 'Net endlessly
without having to deal with unwanted intrusions, like annoying
customers, nosy bosses, and other humans. Boy howdy, I sure hope you
don't want any of that people skills crap. Ideal situations would be
composed of unlimited and unsupervised access to firearms and
explosives, with opportunities for me to get in touch with my
nurturing side.
SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS
- Defying Authority
- Dress For Success
- Drinking Beer
- Drinking Beer In Foreign Countries
- Drinking Beer While Drunk Off My A**
- Falling Off A Stool Drinking Beer
- Firearms Training
|
- Focussed Hostility
- General All-Purpose Defiance
- Ignoring Customers
- Ignoring Phones
- Ignoring Workload
- Inability To Follow Directions
- Killing Unwanted Supervisors (All)
|
- Practical Jokes On Co-Workers
- Purposeless Defiance
- Stubbornness
- Sullenness and Surly Demeanor
- Surfing The 'Net
- Team Player
- Unfocussed Hostility
|
EXPERIENCE
A Telecom Company So Large
It's Obscene |
Lead Peon |
2002 - Present |
- Fix stuff I shouldn't have messed with in the first place
- Get irked on a frequent basis
- Goof off with 95% success rate
- Indulge my burgeoning interest in pornographic sites
- Look important
- Mess around with things that aren't broken
- Screw around with co-workers (only attractive ones)
- Take really long lunches
- Tell off anyone that irks me
- Wander halls aimlessly
A Telecom Company with an
Attitude Problem |
Peon |
2001 - 2001 |
- Bring up co-workers' browser caches to find "good"
sites
- Dig through supervisor's desk for incriminating evidence
- Fantasize about how colleagues would look naked during boring
staff meetings
- Fart around
- Make rude bodily noises in such a manner that they can be
passed off as others'
- P*** off lower management
- P*** off middle management
- P*** off upper management
- Pretend to work while boss is looking
- Send out resumes
The Telecom Company with
Bigcompanyitis |
Assistant Peon |
2000 - 2001 |
- Constant rudeness
- Disheveled appearance
- Exceptional performance as a pain in someone's prostate
- Ignoring project plans, task lists, and customer commitments
- Long bathroom breaks in lieu of actual work
- More goofing off
- Perpetual tardiness
- Sending obscene e-mail from colleague's PC when they're in
meetings and forget to lock their screensaver
- Spontaneous performance art in hallways when supposed to be
working
- Whining about trivial matters
Telecom Company with the
Morals of a Snake |
Peon Trainee |
2000 - 2000 |
- Eating doughnuts while surfing the Internet
- Giggling at nothing
- Making people uneasy
- More farting around
- Not really doing jack s***
- Snickering at co-workers when they hose something up
- Spreading nasty rumors, such as takeovers, who's the office
slut, or venereal disease problems among the employees
- Taking up space
- Useless activity
- Waste of nutrients and oxygen
EDUCATION & AFFILIATIONS
University of Rocky Flats |
Major in Nuclear
Contamination, with a Minor in Avoiding EPA Regulations |
Altered State |
Underwater Basketweaving
Studies |
National Merit Honor Society |
Letter of Condemnation |
NRA |
Life Member |
PETA (People for the Eating of
Tasty Animals) |
Member |
PROFESSIONAL SKILLS
- Back Door
- Children of the Korn Shell
- Cook the Books Accounting
- Crap!
- D--
- HPukes Unix
- IBM Mainframe Paperweights
|
- ISDN (It Still Does Nothing)
- Lotus Disorganizer
- Meeting Faker
- MicroShaft Winblows 95/98
- MS Bulls***er
- MS Doesn't Work
- MS Insecure Server
|
- MS Internet Exploder
- MS Orifice 97
- MS Stupid Meddling Software (SMS)
- Netscrape
- PeopleSloth
- Sea Shell
- WordImperfect
|
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